


Still Makes Waaay More Sense Than The Finale

by ChElFi



Category: Captain America (Movies), How I Met Your Mother, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Angst and Humor, Attempt at Humor, Crack, Crack Crossover, Crack Relationships, Crack and Angst, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Humor, Humor and Romance, Parody, Romance, Spoof
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-26
Updated: 2015-05-09
Packaged: 2018-02-10 11:25:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2023365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChElFi/pseuds/ChElFi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Agent Maria Hill was undercover as TV News Reporter Robin Scherbatsky, she met someone who was legen-wait for it, and I hope you're not lactose intolerant-dary. Just a spoof story. (The fact that I need to explain that concerns me.) Taking prompts for chapters. See rules at the end of chapter 1.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In the Harsh Light of Reality

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Post-TWS. Barney finds out about Robin's real identity. This story backs up the timeline for HIMYM about five years, Robin and Barney are still divorced, but he hasn't had a kid. Ted and Tracy are married and he loves her, not carries a torch for Robin (seriously, how depressing to have been with a guy who is still in love with another woman, poor Tracy).
> 
> It was inspired by two gif sets floating around tumblr where Barney and Robin's argument was actually about her being SHIELD Agent Maria Hill. The title for this story was taken from that set as well.
> 
> See author note at the bottom to find out how to submit prompts for the other chapters of this story.
> 
> Please R&R. :) (And, remember, this is a humorous story. If you take it seriously, I might mock you in a later chapter.)

 

Maria Hill stepped out of Stark Tower and onto the busy New York street. She'd been on the job at Stark Industries for a little over a month and wasn't sure if it was more or less stressful working for the idiosyncratic genius, Tony Stark, than it was working in the ordered, but demanding, SHIELD. Putting on her sunglasses to protect her eyes from the noon-day sun, and somewhat conceal her now open identity from the public, she turned and headed to the bistro down the street.

She hadn't gone far when her fine-tuned senses alerted her to the fact that she was being followed. It wasn't a surprise to her, what was a surprise was that her tail wasn't very good. She wasn't used to being followed by someone so green, it wounded her pride to think that her life had reached such a low point that people thought they could send a novice to track her.

Ahead there was a red light. Following that direction would lead her away from her chosen lunch destination, but it would give her a chance to surreptitiously glance at her new shadow. She turned to face the direction to cross the street, and noted her tail was worse than she thought. He continued right up to her, until he was almost close enough to touch her, at which point Maria turned on him and put her hand out to grab him.

His yelp of surprise wasn't what stopped her from further action, however.

"Barney?" she gasped.

Oh, g-d, this was not happening.

"Robin?" he said, his voice strained.

Maria lowered her hand and stared at what she had to admit was her biggest mistake ever. Fury had ripped her a new one after she had allowed herself to become so caught up in her undercover persona that she had actually married a bystander. She had argued that it was a perfectly good cover and could be corrected easily later by ending the relationship. It wasn't as if this was the first time in SHIELD history it had happened.

She couldn't tell him that she had married Barney for the same reason her persona of Robin Scherbatsky would have, because she'd been head over heels in love with him. And she couldn't admit it now, either. Not with the world resting on her shoulders in the aftermath of the attack on the Triskelion. So she squared her shoulders and pulled on a cold mask, just as she had all those years ago.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, using as firm a tone as she could, considering her heart was ready to burst from her chest just from seeing him again.

"I live here," he said, his voice still conveying surprise. "Remember?"

Maria nodded curtly.

"Well, it was good to see you again," she said, then started to turn away. "I really have to go."

"No," he said, his voice taking on a commanding tone. "We need to talk."

She tilted her head at him.

"What on earth could we have to talk about?" she asked condescendingly, hoping he would take the hint.

"How can you ask that?" he spat out.

Maria only shrugged, wondering why she hadn't already walked away, but her feet seem to have become glued to the ground.

"Was any of it even real?" Barney's hurt tone cutting her to the quick, making her feel for a moment that she'd had the breath knocked out of her.

Her emotions must have shown briefly, because Barney took another step toward her. She tried to take a step back, but her feet were still rooted where she stood.

"It was a job," she told him, flatly.

He faltered a moment before reaching out to touch her arm. She saw his hand shaking, a reflection of her inner turmoil, and knew that if he laid it on her, she wouldn't be able to deny him.

"Maria," she heard a voice cry out.

Looking behind Barney, she saw Sam Wilson making his way quickly to her.

"Everything alright?" he asked as he stopped at her side, sizing up Barney at the same time.

Barney glared at Sam for the interruption, and Maria only nodded in answer to his question.

"Um, Sam, this is Barney Stinson," she began the introductions. "Barney, this is Sam Wilson."

Sam held his hand out, and Barney took it hesitantly and shook it, looking from Sam to Maria.

"You were with Robin in DC," Barney turned to Sam, and his use of her cover name caused Maria's chest to tighten.

"Robin?" Sam asked, obviously confused.

Barney turned back to Maria, hurt apparent on his face as the reality of who Robin really was, really had been the entire time they'd been together, finally sank in. Maria's heart ached, but she shut down any outward show of emotion. It was best that the cut be quick. It would be much less painless this way, though painless for whom she didn't want to wonder at the moment.

"I mean, Maria," Barney slowly forced her real name from his lips.

There was a moment of awkward silence before Sam broke in with an excuse to get them away from Barney.

"We were going to have lunch, remember?" he said to Maria.

She nodded, grateful for his lie.

"It was nice meeting you, Stinson," he said in a manner that informed Barney he was dismissed, then he put his arm around Maria's shoulder and turned her back toward the bistro.

Maria fought the urge to turn and look back at her "ex-husband," knowing full well she'd either run to him or possibly turn into a pillar of salt. There was no use longing for something she had to deny.

When they arrived at the restaurant, Sam got them a table near the back and they ordered their food. She knew he was studying her and waited for the inquiries.

"Robin?" he asked.

Maria closed her eyes. It was painful to hear him say it, though not as nearly as painful as it had been to hear Barney say it again.

"It was a cover," she told him, wishing, but knowing he wouldn't leave it at that.

"A pretty serious cover by the looks of things," he commented.

Maria sighed. It was all out there on the internet now anyway. She might as well be the one telling the story instead of some annoying fan-fiction writer who had no clue what he or she was talking about.

"I married him," she said. "And it wasn't part of the assignment."

She watched Sam's eyebrows raise an inch and his mouth open slightly in surprise. He cleared his throat and, after a few moments of fumbling, simply gave her a confused look.

"Yeah, I know, it was stupid," she said.

"Were you drunk?" he asked.

Maria shook her head.

"It was a long-term undercover assignment," she told Sam. "It only ended about two years before the Battle of New York."

She took a deep breath, then let it out very slowly before continuing.

"I was supposed to work my way up as a reporter at WWN," she said. "SHIELD suspected some of the international reporters of aiding and abetting terrorists."

"WWN?" Sam interrupted for clarification. "You mean World Wide News?"

Maria nodded and noted the furrow in Sam's brow, then a slight nod as he realized the resemblance.

"Anyway, I hated it," she said. "It had to be the most humiliating assignment I'd ever been given, and the fact that it had no definite end made it all the worse."

Their food arrived and Sam dug in, but Maria found she had suddenly lost her appetite.

Sam looked up at her from his sandwich and waved his hand to indicate she should continue her story. She smiled and gave a slight laugh.

"I was ready to spend several months, or years, bored to tears," she said. "Then one night I went to a bar with a friend who had broken up with her boyfriend, or something, and there was this guy there and he says to me, "Have you met Ted?"

Maria smiled at the memory. It had certainly been the strangest introduction she'd ever had.

Sam was looking at her now, a question on his face.

"Who's Ted?" he asked.

Maria shook her head.

"It really doesn't matter," she said. "The person who 'introduced' us was Barney."

She picked up one of the chips off her plate and nibbled at it. Her mind no longer in the bistro but in a bar not too far from there.

"Did you run off and marry him then?" Sam smirked.

Maria glared at him then rolled her eyes and went on with her story.

"No, I went on a date with Ted," she told him, which garnered another questioning look. "It didn't work out, but I knew it never would. It was just something to make my cover more believable."

"So you dated Barney after that?" he asked.

"No," she said. "It was years later."

Sam's eyebrows went up again.

"Exactly how long did this assignment run?" he asked.

"Nearly a decade," she told him, and he almost choked on the drink he'd just taken.

"10 years?" he asked, sputtering.

Maria nodded.

"How did you last?" he questioned. "I would have gone mad by then."

"Barney and his friends made it surprisingly bearable," she said with an obvious smile.

"I started hanging out with them and it was just nice to not have to go home to an almost empty apartment every night," she said.

"Almost?"

Maria felt herself blush.

"Part of my cover was that I had four dogs," she said with a slight chuckle.

"Four?" Sam's surprise was expected.

Maria nodded.

"It was only supposed to be one, to give me something slightly normal to discuss at work, but I just kept adding more," she told him with an almost sigh. There were times she missed the dogs.

She finally took a bite of her sandwich then chewed it before going on.

"Barney was crazy," she continued. "But he made my ridiculous job as a reporter covering those feel-good stories much more fun."

She related the time when Barney dared her to say insane things on the air and paid her to do it. It had been just what she needed to get herself out of her self-pity, and she finally started enjoying her assignment.

"When did you know you were in love with him?" Sam asked.

"Not for a few," Maria started, then stopped, realizing what she had just stepped into. "I'm not, I mean, I wasn't."

Sam was laughing heartily at her now.

"You are totally in love with him," he said, as he tried to catch his breath.

Maria opened her mouth to rebut him but she realized there was no use. If Sam had figured out in minutes what it had taken her years to admit to herself, there really wasn't anything she'd be able to say in her defense.

"It was a few years later," she said. "But I think I knew I liked him a lot almost from the beginning."

She paused a moment, a memory she'd shoved aside for so long becoming more clear in her mind.

"I went as his wingman one night," she said.

Sam paused, a chip half-way to his mouth.

"Wing-man?" he gave her a strange look. "As in?"

Maria nodded.

"I told you, he was crazy," she laughed.

"I honestly never had so much fun in my life as I had that night," she told Sam, smiling uncontrollably.

"We ended up playing laser tag," she laughed. "He was just a blast."

She told him more about the night, but left out the part where they went back to her apartment and Barney had come on to her. Maria had told him he'd misinterpreted things and made up an excuse about being interested in Ted. Barney had respected that, never realizing that Maria had really wanted more. It would be years, and so much of a mess, later before she finally gave into that desire.

"Maria?" Sam's voice broke into her thoughts.

"Huh?" she hadn't even realized she'd drifted off.

"I was saying that maybe you should talk to him," Sam told her. "Maybe he still has feelings for you, too."

Maria scoffed at that idea and shook her head.

"I lied to him," she said. "I lied from the moment we met. No one can forgive that."

This admission settled in her chest like a weight and they sat in silence as they finished their meal.

* * *

Barney Stinson sat on a bench in front of the building that once housed McClaren's Bar. It, and the surrounding buildings, had been among those destroyed two years earlier in, well, Barney still had trouble wrapping his mind around an alien invasion so he just tried to ignore it, pretend they'd been attacked by humans, though, how that was any better he still wasn't sure.

He'd gotten good over the last few years, living in denial. Denial of the invaders, denial of the radical changes the invasion had caused in his life, denial of the fear he'd felt when he tried to find Robin afterwards only to discover she'd basically disappeared off the face of the earth. He'd only wanted to find out if she was safe, but, after a year of searching, he'd found nothing.

Then, one afternoon, after the horrific events in DC, he'd received a frantic call from Lily. She ordered him to turn on C-SPAN right away and he'd made a joke about mud wrestling female senators as he lazily reached for his remote. But his jovial mood was cut short by what, or rather, whom, he saw on his screen.

"What is Robin doing on C-SPAN?" he asked.

"Not 'Robin,'" Lily told him. "Look at the name."

On the screen, below Robin's face, crap she really was beautiful even without make-up, he read "Maria Hill" and below that, a title, "Former Deputy Director SHIELD."

"What the hell was she doing working for SHIELD?" he asked.

He didn't really know much more than the media had said about it since DC. It really hadn't mattered to him, not a lot had for the two years since the invasion.

"I'm looking it up now," Lily said. "Everything about them is online now so it shouldn't be difficult to find."

As Lily searched the internet for information about a woman Barney once thought he knew well, he watched Robin on the screen. Her face was different, hard, cold, calmly answering the inane questions the Senate Panel asked. She never cracked one of her beautiful smiles, he never saw a glint of her twisted sense of humor in her eyes, she was Robin, but she wasn't.

"OK, I have something here," Lily broke into his thoughts. "Maria Hill started working for SHIELD in 1995, she was recruited from the Air Force."

Lily went on mumbling about different ops this Maria had been a part of, Barney caught something about Madripoor and Budapest, otherwise he was actually focused on his TV screen. Then he heard Lily gasp.

"Oh, here it is," she said, and Barney swallowed, wondering nervously what 'it' was.

"In 2000 she was given a cover of a television reporter for WWN apparently to ferret out terrorist sympathizers."

Barney was sure his heart stopped.

"It was all a lie?" he whispered, not even sure if he'd said it aloud until Lily responded.

"I'm sorry, Barney," she said, her voice thick with emotion.

"Yeah," he breathed out. "Me, too."

After hanging up with Lily, Barney continued to watch Robin's, no, Maria's testimony. It all seemed so surreal.

Over the next several weeks, Barney spent every free moment reading everything he could find on the Internet about Maria Hill: from her background, and he thought he'd had a messed up childhood; to how many people she had probably killed over her career, glad his messed up childhood didn't mess him up that badly.

He learned that she had been recently hired by Stark Industries, not very surprising, all things considered. At first he determined to do nothing about it. His friends all encouraged him to do nothing about it. It had been four years, what did it matter now? But Barney wasn't surprised when he found a new path home past the SI building every day after that.

The first time he saw her, he froze, unable to do more than breath, as he watched her walk out of the building. She was speaking with a woman with long strawberry-blond hair whom Barney later learned was Pepper Potts, CEO of SI and girlfriend of Tony Stark. They got into a waiting car and drove away. He determined that the next time he saw her, he'd say something.

One month, and about a dozen sightings, later, Barney finally followed her down the street. And now he sat outside the old site of MacClaren's Bar, feeling like his heart had been ripped out.

That man, Sam Wilson, he must be her boyfriend. This caused Barney to remember the first time he'd told Lily about his feelings for Robin. She had asked if he wanted to be Robin's boyfriend and he'd thought the word so petty for what he felt. But, later, when Lily had locked the two of them up in Robin's bedroom insisting they define their relationship, Barney secretly crowed at hearing Robin claim him as her boyfriend. Even later than that, when Robin first referred to him as her husband, Barney was certain his feet wouldn't touch the ground for months.

It had gone sour so quickly after that and Barney had never understood why, not really. Sure there were all the things they said, some things they did, but where did they come from? Looking back, knowing what he now knew, he wondered if this Maria person hadn't intentionally sabotaged the whole thing because her assignment was ending. He'd read in the files that were now public that she'd been given quite the promotion, and several commendations, for her work at WWN. But, even if that was true, why had she married him in the first place? Why all those years of pretending to love him?

There was no evidence she'd mentioned anything about her relationship with him to SHIELD. He hadn't found anything about Lily or Marshall or any of their friends in her SHIELD files. So why had she married him?

The only conclusion Barney could draw was that she had actually been in love with him. He wouldn't dare to share it with the others, they would think he was nuts. A spy from a super-secret government organization falling in love with someone like him was probably the craziest thing he'd ever conjured up in his mind. And that was really saying something.

Sighing, he rose and started to walk back to his apartment, and as he walked he started to formulate a play. Of course, he'd need a name. He'd call it...

"The Maria."


	2. Best Laid Plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Drum roll please. :) Seriously, though, I'm more nervous about posting this than I was when I posted my first love scene. A bazillion thanks to my lovely beta, and fellow Avengers/HIMYM fan, StillWaters. She promises you'll laugh at least once. ;)
> 
> The rest of this story will be a bi-weekly publication. I have to put a deadline on this or it won't ever get done. Yes, I'm that terrified.
> 
> Also, and I forgot to post this at FFN, this chapter is dedicated to StillWaters for giving me the spy-ish idea.
> 
> Please, R&R, and remember, ripping people's hearts out is what I do best. Humor is a new venture.

 

By the third evening after she'd run into Barney, Maria was so exhausted from lack of sleep that she collapsed, fully dressed, into her bed. Denial had always played such a huge part in her personal life that she'd thought she'd be accustomed to dealing with it by now. But, when it came to Barney, how could one become accustomed to the ordinary?

The next morning, she was relieved to find she awoke refreshed. At least she wouldn't have to cover the dark circles under her eyes with extra make-up. As she rode to work in the SI provided limousine, she tried not to think that perhaps her insomnia of the earlier nights was caused by the fact that, since that afternoon on the street, she hadn't so much as heard from Barney. She'd expected something from him, at least an attempt to call her at work. She hadn't blocked his calls, though she wasn't ready to admit why she hadn't.

Maybe Barney had told the others he'd seen her. Maria was sure she knew how that would have gone.

_Ted: Look, Barney. I know she lied to you about, well, everything, ever: Her name, her family, her job, her life as a teenage Canadian pop-star. But maybe you should just talk to her, you know, see if you guys can work things out. If you still love her, it's worth it, don't you think?_

_Tracy: ~Nods_

_Lily: Barney. You can't keep pining for someone who obviously never loved you. You promised her the truth. If she had loved you, she would have at least told you one thing that was true._

_Marshall: ~Nods_

Maria wondered, as she stepped out onto the sidewalk in front of the Avengers Tower, if Barney would think of the few times she had told him she loved him, and if he would realize that, at least then, she was being honest with him.

Shaking the useless thoughts from her mind, she made steady strides into the building. Barney would be a fool to believe those few words which were surrounded with nothing but lies, and while there were many times when Barney had been a fool, Maria knew he wasn't that much of one.

"Hold the elevator," Maria heard a man's voice holler and she instinctively pressed the close door button, groaning inwardly when she realized it was too late.

Running in, just as the doors closed, was none other than Dr. Bruce Banner.

"Dr. Banner," Maria greeted him. "I didn't know you were in town."

The man looked at her suspiciously through his glasses. She wondered absently if he always looked as if he slept in his clothes.

"I suppose now that you don't have SHIELD to monitor my every move, you really don't know where I am anymore," the scientist retorted.

Maria rolled her eyes.

"Yes," she replied. "Because it was just so terrible that we kept the Army off your scent all those years."

The two engaged in a brief stare down which Maria won, handily. She was relieved when the man left at one of the lab levels. But she didn't let him go without a parting shot.

"You've been in Tibet for the past five weeks, Gertse, to be precise," she said.

Let him stew in that for a while, she sighed. She really did want to get along with the man but he never made it easy.

Maria finally made it to her office and took the mail and messages from her assistant who reminded her of her 10 o'clock. Nodding, Maria went to her desk. She went through the messages first, trying not to get her hopes up. She'd have to try harder tomorrow. Sighing, she worked through her mail and started her day.

Everything went as usual. She had nothing out of the ordinary. Her 10 o'clock was a meeting about the building security, or the lack thereof, then she ordered her lunch in. She was halfway through her chicken Caesar salad when there was a tap at her door. Looking up, she saw Happy Hogan, Tony Stark's former body guard.

"Um, Ms. Hill," he said, hesitantly. "I have something I think you need to see."

Maria was intrigued by the unusual request and followed him down to the security rooms in the sub-levels. When they arrived, Happy showed her to a monitor.

"Do you know anything about this?"

Maria peered at the small screen with an image of the lobby. She could see multiple people coming in and out the doors, then Happy paused the video. Maria didn't show her response to what she'd seen there.

"When was this?" she asked.

"This morning around 9," he replied.

Maria looked at him questioningly.

"Is that it?" she asked. "A man in a suit in the lobby?"

"Oh, no, ma'am," he told her. "There's more, lots more."

Maria swallowed down her nerves. What had Barney done now?

* * *

_Two days earlier_

"Marshall, I need your help," Barney whispered loudly as he slid into the booth at their new watering hole.

McClaren's hadn't rebuilt after the Chitauri invasion, but that didn't stop the group from finding a new bar to hang out at.

Marshall looked at Barney skeptically.

"What do you want?" He asked. "And how much trouble will I be in with Lily if I agree?"

Barney waved off Marshall's concern.

"She never has to know," Barney assured him.

Marshall still didn't look convinced, but Barney ignored his obvious discomfort. This was far too important.

He looked around to see if anyone was watching, which earned him an odd look from Marshall. Then he covertly pulled out a list he'd made the previous day, slipped it into a napkin, and casually pushed the napkin across the table to Marshall, all the while checking to the right and left to see if anyone was monitoring them.

Marshall grimaced at Barney's obvious display of skullduggery and grabbed the napkin. Opening the paper inside he read, then looked dubiously at Barney again.

"How many days is this gonna take?" he asked.

"Oh, that's just the list for the first day," Barney replied.

Marshall opened his mouth as if to say something, but then closed it again.

He re-read the list before going on.

"What is this about?" Marshall asked. "Why can't you just call whoever this is and make an appointment to talk with them?"

"No, she'd never see me," Barney told him, shaking his head.

Marshall narrowed his eyes.

"You're trying to see a woman?"

Barney only nodded and hoped Marshall wouldn't ask for a name.

To his relief, Marshall relaxed his face and body.

"That's great, Barney," he said, in his usual enthusiastic manner. "I'm so glad you're finally moving on. I mean, after your split with Robin we all thought you'd lost your mind and decided to be celibate for the rest of your life."

Marshall tried to pump him for more information but Barney refused, saying it was complicated and that he'd explain later.

"Each of these plans is designed to get us into her office," Barney explained. "If the first one doesn't succeed, we move onto plan 2, and so on, until I finally see her."

"Well, I guess it's good to have a backup plan," Marshall mumbled. "Or 20."

He gave Barney a hard stare.

"But if the first plan doesn't work, how will they not know it's us for the others?"

"Relax," Barney said, waving off his concerns. "I've got that covered."

He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out two pair of sunglasses, handing one to Marshall.

Marshall took one and grimaced. Barney knew his friend was thinking things were going to go south on this, but he didn't worry. At least one of his plans had to work, eventually.

He slid back out of the booth as he put the sunglasses on.

"Meet me Friday morning at my apartment," he told Marshall, then turned to leave.

He turned back when he remembered the most important part.

"Oh, and don't forget to suit up," he smiled, ignoring Marshall's look of resignation.

* * *

"I need to clarify this first plan," Marshall commented.

They were walking quickly down the street to Avengers Tower. Barney wanted to leave earlier but Marshall had to do some kid stuff, Barney wasn't entirely sure because he really wasn't listening.

"What's the question?" Barney asked without stopping.

"Well it says, HO receptionist," Marshall said.

"Yeah?" Barney replied, a little frustrated.

"What does that mean?" he asked.

Barney sighed, as if Marshall should already know the answer to that.

"Hit on receptionist," he told his friend.

Marshall stopped in his tracks. Barney was half a block away when he realized Marshall was no longer with him. Turning, he marched back.

"What is wrong?" he demanded.

"I can't hit on a receptionist, or anyone," Marshall complained. "I'm married."

"They don't know that, and it's not for real," Barney reminded him.

"But I have my ring," Marshall held up his left hand to emphasize his point.

"So, just keep your hand in your pocket," Barney said, acting as if this was no big deal.

Then he turned and headed back down the street, Marshall struggling to keep up through the crowds.

When they finally arrived outside Avengers Tower, Marshall grabbed Barney's arm.

"What are we doing here?" he asked.

"This is where she works," Barney said.

Marshall stared in surprise at the tower.

"Are you trying to get a date with that Natasha woman?" he asked, looking a little pale. "What's her last name?"

Barney shook his head.

"Of course, not."

"Oh, thank g-d," Marshall sighed in relief. "Because I read she can kill a person 50 different ways, and that's just using a spoon."

Barney looked at him and Marshall shrugged.

"Hey, I had to know, I have a thing for redheads."

They walked into the lobby, Barney looking like he belonged there, Marshall looking a little more hesitant. That worked for Barney just fine, it would look more realistic if he spent a lot of time talking to the receptionist. He was just about to head for the elevators when Marshall again grabbed his arm.

"What now?" he groused.

"Barney," Marshall pointed toward the reception desk. "It's a man."

"Yeah," Barney said. "So?"

Marshall stared at him for a moment.

"I don't know how to hit on a man," he told Barney.

Barney just shook his head at him again.

"It's just like hitting on a woman," he assured Marshall.

"What if he doesn't like men," Marshall whined.

"Then you won't have to hit on him long," Barney said. "I just need a distraction to get into the elevator."

Marshall sighed, and Barney watched him head over to the reception desk. He looked around and measured the security situation. One man near the elevator. He could be dealt with easily, all he needed was.

"Bingo," he thought, then walked up to a fairly attractive woman who stood not too far from the elevator, holding a box.

Barney walked close by then pretended to trip and knocked the box out of the woman's hands. Apologizing profusely, he made to help her pick up the contents, but intentionally made matters worse. The security guard walked over to see what was happening and suggested Barney let him help instead since he was obviously inept. He left the two of them to clean up and, not too much to his surprise, flirt.

He slipped into one of the elevators as soon as the door opened, then pressed the number for one of the higher levels.

"That level is restricted," a man's voice, very British, startled Barney. "Authorization is needed."

Barney decided now was a good time to skip to plan 12: Pretend to be a former SHIELD agent.

"Look, I don't have time for this nonsense," Barney said authoritatively to the air.

"Indeed?" the air answered.

"I'm on a top secret mission with top secret information to pass along to Maria Hill," he said.

"Indeed?" came the answer.

"What? Are you broken?" Barney asked.

"I am in no way hindered in my processes," the voice assured him. "Do you have authorization?"

"I just told you why I'm here," Barney complained. "It's a matter of life and death, of national security."

He tried to act as incensed as he could, hoping it would give him a degree of credibility to the person he was talking to.

"I'm sure it is," the voice said, obviously nonplused.

Then Barney felt the elevator begin to descend. That couldn't be good. The doors slid open to reveal a security guard. Barney swallowed.

Fortunately, the guard only unceremoniously shoved Barney out the front door where Marshall was waiting for him.

"How'd it go?" Marshall asked.

"Horribly," Barney grumbled.

"Well, I got a date for next Friday," Marshall smiled at him.

Barney gave him a confused stare.

"I'm gonna call and cancel," Marshall assured him.

Barney nodded then straightened his jacket, ready to move on to plan two.

"Of course, I'll need to use your cellphone to do so," Marshall said.

Barney looked at him suspiciously.

"I gave him your number," Marshall said with a shrug.

Barney opened his mouth to say something, but Marshall cut him off.

"I couldn't give him mine," he said. "What if Lily answered?"

Barney gave him one last long look, then turned to put plan two into action.

* * *

For the next hour, Maria watched edited security footage of Barney, and Marshall, to her surprise, attempting to enter the tower. The next attempt came in the form of bribing a janitor. For that effort he ended up on the tenth floor cleaning up the results of a minor case of food poisoning. After that, he appeared to have somehow commandeered a delivery van and tried to make a parcel delivery, which only landed him on one of the lab levels where he attempted to slip into the emergency stairs but unfortunately bumped into Dr. Banner. Maria thought she did a good job hiding her mirth at the look on Barney's face when he realized who he was staring at. He voluntarily left the building that time.

Several more tries to get into the building were unsuccessful, though Maria had to admit they were incredibly impressive. She wondered how on earth he'd made it all the way to the fifth floor climbing up the garbage chute. At that point she was almost ready to call him herself. If he was willing to ruin a suit just to speak to her, she at least owed him a conversation and some explanation.

Using the delivery route again, he brought flowers to the IT department. As he spoke to the tech girl he was supposedly delivering them to, Maria felt her throat constrict and her jaw clench. It was obvious he was trying to hit on her. Maybe she'd misread his attempts. It was obvious by the way he looked at the girl that he was interested. Maria had seen that look so many times, but she always preferred when it was directed toward her. When Barney touched the woman's arm and leaned in to whisper something in her ear, Maria hit the stop button and forced down the jealousy that threatened to turn her into something far more dangerous than the Hulk.

"Where is he now?" she asked Happy when she had regained control.

He reached over and pressed another button and one of Stark's holding cells came into view. Seated, and cuffed to the chairs, were Barney and Marshall. Barney looked enraged, while Marshall looked defeated.

"I demand to see Maria Hill," Barney was yelling, as he sat, stiff backed in the chair, as if his mere poise would force them to meet his demands. "I have information vital to national security."

"Lily's gonna kill me," Marshal was moaning, his head resting in his free hand.

For a moment, Maria was tempted, but then her mind replayed Barney and the IT girl, and she shut off those feelings.

"Let them go," she told Happy.

He looked at her in surprise.

"They're not a threat," she assured him, though her voice was resigned.

She watched on the screen as Happy went in and unlocked their cuffs and told them they were free to go, but to not try anything more.

Barney only shook his head at Happy.

"It's not important," he said in his somewhat superior tone. "I succeeded in what I came to accomplish."

Marshall looked at him in surprise.

"But you didn't see that Maria person," he said, and Maria found herself inordinately relieved that Marshall didn't know who she was.

"Ah, my boy, I got her attention," he said, turning to Marshall as they walked from the room.

Maria allowed herself a slight smile at that point.

She stood from the console and headed back to her office. As she stepped off the elevator she allowed herself a self-indulgent sigh. At least she wouldn't have to worry about Barney anymore, she thought.

She was walking down the hall when she heard music come on over the speakers. And not just any music.

_"Met you at the mall_

_Didn't know I would fall_

_My friends said I was a fool..."_

Maria stopped in her tracks and she was fairly certain she now knew what it meant to turn a whiter shade of pale.

It would take IT three days to eradicate the virus that looped all of Robin Sparkles' music and played it throughout the Avengers Tower.

* * *

Barney was sitting on his sofa having a drink when he heard a knock at the door. Thinking it might be Lily come to chastise him for the day's events he dragged over to the door and pulled it open.

His eyes flew open wide and he tried to slam the door quickly when he saw who was there. But the man blocked the door with his foot and it swung back open.

Barney was pretty sure he knew why Sam Wilson was at his door. Maria had told him about what had happened and Sam was going to set him straight as to whom it was Maria belonged. Barney just hoped it didn't include any physical pain.

"May I come in?" Sam asked politely.

"I'm sure whatever you have to say to me can be said right here," Barney replied.

It was probably safer if the neighbors might happen along at any moment.

Sam only chuckled in response.

"I doubt it," he said.

They stared at each other a moment before Sam acquiesced.

"Fine," the man known as Falcon started. "I just wanted to let you know that you need a new game plan."

Barney eyed him suspiciously. Those words didn't sound like the man was trying to warn him off.

"Whatever you did today, well," he paused a moment. "Look, I've seen Maria kill people and not even blink."

Barney felt his jaw drop open.

"But I have never seen her as pissed as she was today," Sam finished, shaking his head.

"You've seen her kill people?" Barney asked, his voice a strangled whisper.

"Yep, seen her blow the faces right off people," Sam said, and Barney let out a gasp.

"I doubt she'd do the same to you," Sam assured him. "But if you want to get on her good side, you're going about it the wrong way."

"So you two aren't, you know, together?" Barney asked.

Sam just smiled and shook his head.

"I have it on good authority that she has a thing for blonds, preferably with a very weird sense of humor," Sam said, and Barney relaxed with the knowledge of what the man was inferring.

He opened the door to invite him into the apartment.

"So, you really saw her kill people?" he asked Sam.

"Yep."

"Was it hot when she did it?" Barney asked.

Sam looked at him for a moment then admitted, "Everything Maria Hill does is hot, but I suspect you already know that."

Then Barney got the man a drink and they settled in for several hours of conversation and planning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: OK, hope it was good enough and worth the wait. I do have one request this time and that is for a name for the new bar. I was going to use Legendary, but wasn't sure how that would sound, if it was too hokey. Anyway, let me know if you have any ideas.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Barney it's always, "The more, the legendarier." Yes, I made up that word just for this summary. :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Oh, my, gosh. It's here. I finally finished it and got it betad and posted it. I would just like to go on record as saying that the old adage is true: Death is easy, comedy is hard. And downright terrifying. I sit and watch an ep of the show and I'm in stitches. Then I try to write and my brain panics. On the other hand, I am fairly certain I could make my readers weep for Zola if I chose to write a story about his death. ;)
> 
> I'd like to thank my Beta, StillWaters, for running this by her funny bone and making some good suggestions. :)
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to Alec706 who asked for Weekend at Barney's and for the multiple people who wanted me to either bring in Patrice or make Tony or another character into a Patrice-like character. I liked both of these ideas so much that they will be developing over the rest of the story, though I haven't quite figured out how to bring Patrice in, I hope to.

Maria raised her head as she heard a tap at her opened office door. Tony stood there and she offered him a tight smile.

"What can I do for you, Stark?" she asked.

He casually walked toward her then flopped down in a chair on the other side of her desk.

"You can tell me about your secret admirer," he smirked.

Maria sighed and rolled her eyes.

"I already told Happy who the men were," she reminded him.

He stared at her for a moment and Maria knew he was going to ask for more.

"Yeah, he told me all about it," Tony said.

"And?" Maria asked.

"Well, I did a little digging," Stark said.

Maria groaned inwardly.

"So Maria Hill, aka Robin Scherbatsky, aka Robin Sparkles," Tony ticked off the names on his fingers.

He looked at her again, and Maria was fairly certain he was gloating.

"That's quite some singing talent you've got, by the way," he smiled at her. "I think you missed your calling."

Maria gave him a look to let him know she wasn't impressed.

"Do you need something, Stark?" she asked again. "Because I have actual work to do here."

"Yeah, I want to know why you kept this Barney guy under wraps," Stark said.

"I didn't keep him 'under wraps,'" Maria informed him. "You obviously found him easily enough."

"Yeah, but it's such an odd story," Tony said. "I wanna hear about it."

Maria nodded, though she had no intention of telling Tony anything.

"Then come to my funeral," she glared at him. "Coz I'm sure they'll be telling it then."

Tony mock cringed.

"Ouch," he said. "Put away the nails, Cat Woman, I just wanted to help."

"Help?" she asked.

"Yeah," he said. "Obviously this Barney fellow wants to get back with you. I wanna help."

"And you are coming to me for what? Permission?"

"No," Tony said. "I just wanted to know if there were any pointers I could give the guy."

Maria leveled her most terrifying gaze at the billionaire, the one that made most recruits piddle their pants.

Tony only sighed and stood. He slowly walked to the door and turned around when he reached the threshold.

"I was only trying to help," he remarked, then he was gone.

Through clinched teeth Maria murmured, "Nobody asked you, Tony."

* * *

"Testing, testing," Barney spoke into the small mic.

"Got it," Sam said as he walked back into Barney's living room.

Barney took a deep breath.

"You're sure she's going to be there?" he asked Sam.

"As sure as I was the last 100 times you asked me," Sam replied.

"I've asked you 110 times now," Barney said. "Which times weren't you sure?"

"Barney, go," Marshall said as he took Barney by the elbow and pushed him out the apartment door.

Barney straightened his coat and tie, then headed off to the bar where Sam had asked Maria to meet him.

Barney had wanted to meet at their new bar, Legendary, but Marshall had said that was too obvious and Robin, he meant, Maria, would never go for it.

Marshall wasn't very surprised to find out "this Maria person" was actually Robin. That was a relief to Barney who thought Marshall might try to talk him out of his plan.

_"You've never loved anyone as much as you did Robin," Marshall said. "Well, except maybe yourself."_

_Barney gave him a look of surprise and held out his arms to draw attention to himself._

_"What's not to love?"_

Thirty minutes later, Barney pushed open the bar door. The plan was to arrive before Maria, who was sure to be looking for Sam once she arrived, then to sit down and just repeat whatever romantic drivel Sam had made up.

Barney sat at the end of the bar and kept his head down, watching the door out of the corner of his eye.

**_Back at the apartment_ **

Marshall gave Sam a strange look. The man might be a national hero, but reading the script Sam came up with led Marshall to ask an important question.

"Do you even know Robin?"

"Well, Robin was really Maria, right?" Sam said.

"Yeah, but I just don't know if Robin would actually think Barney would say some of this," Marshall said.

"Don't worry," Sam said.

**_Back at the bar._ **

Barney's breath caught when Maria walked through the door. She was as beautiful tonight as any time she'd been Robin. Barney was so grateful for hot, muggy New York summers at that moment. In her blue sundress, she looked better than ever. But suddenly a thought went through Barney's mind.

"Are you sure she's not hot for you, Sam," he mumbled into the mic, ignoring the sideways glance the woman next to him cast.

_"No way," Sam laughed. "Why would you think that?"_

"Because she looks incredibly hot tonight," Barney said. "Like she's dressed up for someone."

_"I'm pretty sure we've already established that she always looks hot," Sam reminded him._

"OK," Barney said, but he had a sudden and rare attack of nerves.

Fortunately, he didn't tip his hand before Maria had taken a table, sitting in a chair in which she could see both the front and back doors. Barney swallowed down his fear and walked over to the table, taking a seat without asking.

Maria looked at him in surprise.

"What are you doing here?" she gasped.

In his anxiety, Barney almost told her the truth, but Sam's voice came over and Barney repeated his words.

_"I had to see you, Maria."_

"I had to see you, Maria."

She looked at him suspiciously.

"Are you stalking me, Barney?"

_"Damn, I should have known she'd go straight there," Sam said._

"What?" Barney asked Sam.

"You heard me, Barney," Maria said.

Barney stared at her for a moment and waited for Sam to go on.

_"No, I just followed you from the tower," Sam said._

"No, I just followed you from the tower," Barney relayed and held his breath.

Maria only sighed.

"Sounds like something you'd do, Barney," she said, then shook her head.

The waitress came to take their order and Maria ordered a scotch, when the waitress turned to Barney Maria told her not to take an order from him because he was just leaving.

"I'm meeting someone," Maria told him.

_"This won't take very long."_

"This won't take very long."

Maria sat back in her seat and folded her arms across her chest, looking very much like Robin. He got distracted and missed what Sam said.

"What?" he said under his breath.

"Exactly what I was thinking," Maria remarked.

_"Look, Maria, you might think I can never forgive you for what happened but I can."_

"Look, Maria, you might think I can never forgive you for what happened but I can."

She gave him a surprised look before she covered it up with an impassive face.

"It doesn't matter, Barney," Maria said. "It's just too complicated."

She looked away and Barney caught a sad look in her eyes.

_"Maria, I miss you."_

"Maria, I miss you."

She turned back to him and shook her head.

"You miss Robin," she said, and Barney was certain there was a sadness in her eyes then.

_"We could go out and see if Maria and Robin aren't more alike than you think."_

"We could go out and see if Maria and Robin aren't more alike than you think."

Maria looked away again.

_"Maybe a little laser tag?"_

"Maybe a little laser tag?"

She looked back at him and gave him a slight smile. Barney felt himself grow hopeful. She opened her mouth to respond.

_"OH, DANG IT!"_

"OH, DANG IT!" Barney repeated without thinking.

"What?"

Barney's voice stopped working then as Maria narrowed her eyes at him, then flicked over to his ear.

He groaned internally when he realized he'd been caught. Maria reached over and jerked the device out.

"Are you running a play?!" Maria growled at him as she stood.

Barney grimaced and nodded his head slightly.

"I don't know who's on the other end of this," she said, tight control of her anger as she spoke into the mic. "But if it's who I suspect, you might want to call _a friend_ for protection."

That was different than Robin, Barney thought seconds before her scotch hit him in the face and she stomped from bar.

" _That_ isn't so different," Barney mumbled as he reached for a napkin.

Shortly, a pile of napkins dropped in front of him, followed by a well-dressed man in sunglasses sitting down in the seat Maria had just vacated.

The man shook his head.

"You're working with amateurs," he said.

"What the hell do you know about it?" Barney snapped.

The man lowered his sunglasses and looked at Barney whose mouth fell open slightly.

"Tony Stark?" he whispered.

"You need some help from a pro," Stark told him to Barney's surprise.

* * *

Maria hardly slept that night. She was so angry with Barney, and more so with Sam. She knew Sam had to be at the other end of the comm. He was the only one she'd talked to about Barney. When she marched into the office the next morning she hoped she did not run into him, or maybe _he_ should hope she didn't run into him.

Now she sat at her desk, half listening to Pepper lay out talking points for an upcoming press conference that Maria wasn't particularly interested in attending.

Shortly, she noticed Pepper had stopped speaking and was staring behind Maria, out the window, a look of surprise and confusion on her face. Maria braced herself as she slowly turned to look.

She gasped in horror at what she saw.

Barney was standing on a window washer platform, wearing a safety harness and little else. On his body he had painted "Maria go out with me," "I love you," "I miss you," "I can't live without you."

Maria tilted her head to read what he'd painted on his legs. Up the right leg she read, "Come back to me and," continuing onto the left leg, "it will be legendary."

In his hand was a bottle of spray paint which he was using to spray red paint on her window.

Without removing her gaze from Barney for fear he might fall, though she wouldn't admit that reason under the duress of torture, she grasped around for the phone on her desk. Pulling it over she picked up the handset and dialed security.

She was assured they'd go up to the roof and pull Barney up and with shaking hands Maria returned the handset.

Pepper came over to stand next to her.

"I take it that's Barney," she said, her voice a little in awe.

Maria only nodded.

"Dear g-d he's crazier than Tony," her boss said.

Maria nodded again, her eyes wide with the fear she didn't want to confess.

In a moment, the platform lurched. Maria's gasp came out more like a scream, Pepper beside her reacted the same. Fortunately, it was only the motor being activated. But now Barney was screaming. He shook his hands above him as he looked up toward the roof, trying to get them to stop. He probably wanted to finish whatever he was painting on the window.

The platform was slowly being pulled higher and Barney was now frantically attempting to finish painting all the while yelling a steady stream of obscenities, Maria wasn't sure learning to lip read had been such a good idea. Suddenly the platform stopped moving upwards. Maria averted her eyes as she was now staring at a part of his anatomy she'd rather not have seen displayed as it was, the red heart boxers covered things, but with the harness, well, Maria didn't want to think about it, or her reaction.

Pepper gave out another gasp and Maria turned back to the window. She took in the scene then narrowed her eyes.

"Tony," the two women said in unison, though Pepper's voice conveyed surprise while Maria's conveyed understanding.

So, that was how Barney gained access to the equipment and knew exactly which window to stop at. Hell, Maria thought, Tony had probably operated the equipment for him.

Barney was now smiling at Tony and waving his arms to communicate something. Then Tony took the spray paint can and waved up at the sky. The platform restarted its movement and Barney looked at the window and yelled out several "I love you's" before he disappeared above their heads.

Maria looked back at the window and groaned.

"I'm going to kill him," she grumbled.

"Which one?" Pepper asked, sounding not concerned in the least about what Maria's answer might be.

"I haven't decided yet," Maria told her.

* * *

Maria stalked into the Avengers' main living level. Ignoring the presence of Thor and Jane, Maria walked straight to Tony.

"What the hell do you think you are doing," she growled in a low voice.

"Drinking a scotch," Tony said, and raised his glass before he brought it to his lips.

Maria reached up and snatched the glass from his hand, causing a small amount to spill onto his shirt.

"What'd you do that for?" Tony exclaimed.

"Answer my question," Maria barked.

She considered throwing the glass, which scared her for a moment. That was not what Maria would do, that was something Robin would do. She shook that thought from her head. Seeing Barney again must be having an effect on her, she thought as she worked to bring her temper back under control.

Tony raised his hands in mock defense.

"I was just trying to help," he told her.

"Trust me, Barney doesn't need your help," she said.

Tony quirked an eyebrow.

"Really," he stated.

Maria cursed in her head. That wasn't how she intended it to be interpreted.

"Stay out of this, Tony," she warned.

He only chuckled.

"Not likely now," he said.

"What do you mean?" Maria was almost afraid to ask.

"I mean that I had no idea you could even get riled like this," Tony said, and Maria realized she was doomed, at least as far as Tony went.

It had been the billionaire's goal seemingly since they met, to get some sort of rise out of her. Now that he had, he was bound not to leave it alone. Maria kicked herself. But the next words from Tony surprised her.

"I suppose that means he really does mean something to you," Tony said, and if Maria didn't know him better, she'd suspect he had given her a sympathetic look.

"If you know what's good for you, Tony, you will keep away from this entire situation," she hissed.

The next look he gave her was anything but sympathetic.

"Ah, but I never know what's good for me," he grinned at her. "Just ask Pepper."

They stared at each other, Maria giving Tony a look that promised death, Tony aggravating her by giving her a look that told her he was clueless, or at least didn't care, how painful the promised death would be.

Finally, Tony broke the staring contest.

"Hill, it's obvious you two kids are crazy for each other," he told her, a dumb look on his face. "I'm just gonna help you along by playing Cupid."

Maria took a deep breath and tried to get control of her anger.

"No. Body. Asked. You. Tony."

She spat the words, with as much control as she could, then turned on her heel and returned to the elevator, trying to ignore Thor's and Jane's stares as she walked by again.

As the doors to the elevator closed on her she thought she heard Thor.

"Women of Midgard are certainly not to be trifled with."

At least one person in the tower got it.

When she entered the ground level lobby fifteen minutes later, Maria groaned. It was raining and she'd left her umbrella up in her office. She really didn't want to go back so she decided to just pull her briefcase up over her head and hope for a cab.

She wondered vaguely if the rain would wash away the 15-ft red heart Barney and Tony had painted on her window, but knowing Tony he'd made sure the paint was permanent.

The door man went to try to hail one for her as she stood and waited. After only seconds, though, Maria noticed the rain was no longer falling on her. She looked up to see an umbrella over her head. Turning, she was surprised, and more than a little embarrassed, to find Ted.

"Hi, Robin."

He smiled at her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: When Ted showed up I asked my brain what it thought it was doing. It only told me, "You'll see." Heavens, I need psychiatric help...but I don't want it. :D
> 
> No, I'm sorry, the umbrella is anything but yellow. I used to like yellow until the series finale and all those Ted and Robin shippers came out with all their videos and gifs pointing out all those yellow Robin moments. Now, the color makes me ill. (See previous note about needing psychiatric help.)
> 
> I really, truly hope to have this done by November. I will be taking a month off FanFic writing and posting in order to participate in NaNoWriMo, so I'd like to tie up all my loose ends. :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The past comes back to haunt Maria in more ways than she ever thought possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Wow, I think that was the most impossible writer's block I've ever had. :( Sorry it took so long.
> 
> First, I must get this out of my system. Have you all seen the "leaked" alternate series ending? Go look it up on YouTube. I swear, I thought I had an enormous amount of animosity, er, I was slightly upset with the writers before I saw that. Now, I just feel more played. I probably need professional help if a TV show affects me this deeply. :D
> 
> This is, again, dedicated to the myriad people who wanted Patrice. :) And to "warm-up01" who had an idea about Maria and Natasha being former lovers. This is the start of that idea (at least how it played out in my head) and will continue into the next chapter.
> 
> Thanks for all the reviews and likes and all the encouragement. Seriously, it helps me a lot when I think I've bitten off more than I can chew.
> 
> Enjoy & Review. Thanks.
> 
> ***YIKES*** A bazillion apologies to my beta StillWaters for not thanking here. No excuse to offer. :( She's been so helpful. It's because of her you I have confidence you all might get a laugh out of these chapters. So freaking sorry. :)!

"I honestly thought you were joking when you said there was a bar called 'Legendary.'"

Maria visually took in the room around her before her gaze settled nervously back on Ted.

"Tracy found it," he told her. "It was about a year after the invasion and, well, Barney was feeling pretty down so when she heard about it from someone at work, she brought us all down here."

"Did it help him?" Maria asked, trying to control her emotions amidst the flood of memories that were now pouring into her mind.

_"Our wedding is going to be legendary."_

_"No 'wait for it?'"_

_"I've got you. I don't have to wait for it anymore."_

"Maria?"

She looked up in surprise to find Ted waving his hand in front of her face to get her attention.

"I'm sorry." She shook her head.

"I just." Maria stopped and sighed.

"How _is_ Tracy?" She changed the subject.

"Amazing." Ted smiled and the way he looked when he did caused Maria to smile in return.

"She's pretty great, yeah?"

"I swear, I'd say that the day I met her was the best day of my life, but somehow she just keeps making it better," Ted said, then blushed.

"Probably sounds sappy."

"No, Ted, it sounds wonderful," Maria said.

She almost reached out across the table to touch his hand but she caught herself in time. That was something Robin would have done. She was Maria, Maria Hill. Robin Scherbatsky was a persona she had played to get what she needed, what SHIELD needed. She stared across the table at Ted. Ted Mosby was a real person, one she'd deceived and used playing that part. Maria leaned her elbows on the table and covered her face with her hands as memories of their times together, good and bad, flooded over her.

"Ted, I'm so sorry," she said as she lowered her hands.

"You didn't really have a choice," he said.

"Yes, I did," she told him. "I could have kept to myself, kept it professional."

"For ten years? Sounds pretty lonely."

Maria groaned inwardly. Why did he have to be so understanding, so, well, so Ted? Why couldn't he just be angry with her? Anger was an emotion she could deal with. It distanced people. She needed distance from Ted, from Barney. She should have asked to work at the California SI offices, she would have if she'd considered even the remote chance of Barney learning who she really was. Or, maybe she wouldn't have, because his reaction was not the one she expected.

"For the record," Ted continued. "I don't hate you, and Barney _obviously_ doesn't hate you."

"You should," she replied, then paused.

"Wait, Barney told you?"

"Well, not exactly," Ted chuckled.

_"Mosby, you gotta come quick."_

_Ted looked up from his desk, then followed his assistant out of his office._

_"Look at this idiot at The Avengers Tower," Greg said, and pointed at the TV as they entered the break room.  
_

_The camera shot was wide but Ted could make out a (possibly naked) man standing on a window washer platform, spray painting red paint on a high window at The Tower. He smirked and shook his head._

_"That looks like something my friend, Barney, would do," he laughed._

_Then the camera zoomed in._

_"OH, MY, G-D, BARNEY!"_

_Ted ran from the office as fast as he could, calling Marshall on his phone as he bound down the stairs. He, Marshall, Lily, and Tracy met across the street from The Tower and watched as Barney seemed to be having a conversation with Ironman. Then the platform Barney was on was lifted to the top and the group breathed a sigh of relief as Barney was pulled onto the roof._

_His wife and friends crossed the street, Marshall intended to lead them to security._

_"Marshall, how do you know where security is in The Avengers Tower?" Lily asked._

_"Um, it's kind of a long story," Marshall said._

_She looked at him dubiously but followed him, with Tracy, into The Tower._

_Ted continued to watch as Ironman oddly carried on with the painting Barney had started. By the time the group joined him, with Barney in tow, there was a giant red heart painted on the side of the tower with the words "Barney loves Maria" added beneath._

_"Oh, that's a nice touch, Tony." Barney commented when he saw it._

_The group, save Marshall, gave him various confused looks. Then Lily grabbed him by the arm and marched him away informing him that he was going to explain everything to them, then turned back and gave Marshall a pointed look. Ted and Tracy followed along with Marshall dragging behind._

"So, he told us everything." Ted finished his story to Maria.

"I hope Marshall didn't get into too much trouble," she commented.

They were both silent for a few minutes. Maria was unsure what else to say. Aside from interrogating a suspect or a prisoner, she'd never faced someone after an op.

"Ted, what happened." Maria tried, again, to begin an apology.

"Is not a problem." He interrupted.

She glared at him for a moment and it must have been a Maria glare and not a Robin glare because Ted started to look nervous. She softened her face and he relaxed a little.

"I shouldn't have," she started again, but Ted waved her off.

"Did SHIELD actually expect you to spend ten years holed up in that apartment?" he asked.

Maria took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"I was supposed to make my 'friends' at 'work,'" she told him.

He nodded.

"You would have been bored," he said, then added, with a smirk, "We were far more fun."

Maria couldn't help but smile now. It was truer than Ted knew and she owed him at least that knowledge.

"Yes," she nodded and finally reached over to grab his hand. "I never," she stopped, feeling out of her element as the emotions started to come to the forefront of her mind.

"I have never enjoyed myself more than with you and your friends." She finally forced out the words, her voice barely above a whisper.

"They're _our_ friends, Maria," he said and reached across the table to take her other hand.

* * *

Tracy was sitting on the living room sofa when Ted finally returned home that night.

"How'd it go?" she asked as he sat next to her and leaned over for a kiss.

Ted sighed. He wasn't entirely sure of the answer himself. He'd hoped to get an idea of just how much Maria Hill was like Robin Scherbatsky. Barney wouldn't be doing much more than jousting at windmills if the two were nothing alike. Tonight, at least, he really couldn't tell. There was only one thing of which he could be certain.

"She's very sad," he said.

Tracy nodded.

"Do you think it's only guilt, or do you think she genuinely misses Barney?"

Ted sighed deeply and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and his chin in his hands.

"I don't know," he said. "It's hard to get a read on her. One moment she's acting the way I expect Robin to act, the next, she's an entirely different person."

They were both quiet for several minutes as Ted thought about his conversation with Maria Hill. Tracy finally broke the silence.

"Maybe she's a little of both people, and now, that she has to see the people she was 'Robin' with, she's just unsure how to act."

Ted nodded.

"She tried to apologize to me," he said. "I think she really is sorry about it, but, well, I just don't know where to go from here. Should I support Barney, or should I try to dissuade him?"

"Barney seems to think Maria was really in love with him." Tracy reminded him of their earlier conversation with him.

"His theory does make sense," Ted agreed. "I mean, why else would she have gone through with it? It had nothing to do with her assignment."

They lapsed into silence again and, again, Tracy spoke first.

"Are you OK with all of this?" she asked.

He turned to her and smiled. Then he reached over and touched her face.

"Yeah," he said. "And if you ask me again, I'm gonna sing Country/Western music to you."

"Promise?" Tracy laughed.

"Every long lost dream led me to where you are." Ted began to sing as he stood and pulled Tracy up from the couch, she was still laughing at him.

"Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars." He pulled her toward the hall.

"Pointing me on my way into your loving arms." He stopped and leaned down to kiss her.

He tried to start the next line but now they were at the bedroom door and it took all his concentration, with Tracy unbuttoning his shirt and placing kisses on his chest, just to shut the door and remember to lock it so they wouldn't have any "accidental visitors."

* * *

Happy opened the door of the limo and Maria stepped out onto the sidewalk in front of The Avengers Tower. In her hand she carried her coffee, her fourth cup of the morning. It was having no affect. It wasn't the two glasses of scotch she'd had with Ted the previous night that had inflicted the damage, nor was it the talk with Ted, which had shaken her more than she would ever acknowledge, even to herself. It was the fact that she'd laid awake most of the night starting at her nightstand where she had placed her cellphone, volume all the way up, hoping Barney would call. She couldn't deny that had been the reason, because next to the phone she had placed her wedding set. She also couldn't deny that she had it in a pocket inside her suit jacket right now and had carried it with her since she had taken the ring set off.

She stopped by the downstairs café. She could have had free food in The Avengers common lounge, but then she risked seeing Tony or Sam. That wouldn't have ended well this morning. Fifteen minutes later she stepped off the elevator. She knew something was off immediately. She'd had the same blonde assistant since she'd started at SI. That was no blonde behind the desk. The woman's back was turned to her and Maria walked cautiously forward, and she considered pulling her revolver out of her purse. But then the woman turned to face her and Maria's eyes shot wide. The woman's did as well, though Maria knew it was for a different reason.

"Oh, Robin!" Patrice screamed and jumped out of her chair to run around the desk and take Maria into a crushing embrace.

"It's 'Maria,'" she managed to choke out despite the pain in her rib cage.

"Oh, that's right," Patrice squealed and Maria felt it like a pain going down her spine. "You're a real hero, aren't you?"

"I guess," Maria said. "What the hell are you doing here, Patrice?"

"Oh, Mr. Stark gave me a job," she informed Maria.

"You have a job, Patrice," Maria said, and she felt her jaw clenching up.

She had never liked Patrice. And it wasn't a "Robin" thing. Patrice was the kind of person even Maria couldn't stand.

'Oh, g-d,' Maria thought. 'I'm thinking of myself as two different people and both in the third person'

But Patrice was going on to explain how she ended up at Maria's assistant's desk.

"So, Mr. Stark said you needed an assistant and how could I say no to helping _you_?"

"'No' would have sufficed," Maria grumbled.

But Patrice ignored her and went on.

"The radio thing was good, but I needed a change anyway, so when Mr. Stark showed up last night with his offer, I couldn't refuse."

Maria stared at Patrice and tried to control her reaction.

"I had a perfectly fine assistant, Patrice." She managed to ground out without completely flipping out, but she could feel herself on the edge. Patrice did that to her.

"Well, Mr. Stark didn't seem to think so," Patrice said, and walked back to her chair.

She opened one of the drawers of her desk and pulled out a plate of cookies.

"He also said you were feeling kind of down so I made these for you." She smiled up at Maria and Maria snapped her mouth shut, then she turned on her heel and marched into her office allowing herself only the satisfaction of slamming the door.

She stared out the window, or she would have. Instead she just saw part of a fifteen foot red heart that Barney and Tony had painted over her window. She walked over and pulled the blinds shut so she wouldn't have to be reminded. Barney might be trying to convince Maria she should get back together with him, but Tony, she was pretty sure, was just trying to drive her insane.

And Patrice, well, that had to be part of Barney's plan, as well. He'd used her last time and, honestly, it had worked pretty well.

Maria shook those thoughts from her head. She couldn't think about that. Couldn't allow herself to remember the very real jealousy she had felt, possibly still felt, at the idea of Barney with anyone else.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock at her door. She called for the person to enter and sank back in her chair when Patrice came into the room.

"I have a whole bunch of messages here for you from Barney," Patrice said.

Maria looked at the number of messages in Patrice's hands. It seemed like quite a lot. She was about to ask when they were from when Patrice started reading them off to her.

"This first one says, 'I love you, Maria,'" she said.

"This second one says, 'Everyone in New York knows now.' And the third one says." She started to read but Maria stood and snatched them out of Patrice's hands.

"I can read them myself, Patrice!" she screamed.

As Patrice left the office Maria sat down hard in her chair. What had she just done?

"Woah," she heard a voice overhead and glanced up at the vent as it popped out and Clint Barton followed suit, flipping mid-air like the circus freak he was.

"What do you want, Barton?" she asked. "I thought you were in Malaysia."

"I was, but I got into town yesterday, just in time to see the show," he said, indicating the window with a nod.

"Shut up," she said and ignored the surprised look he gave.

"That's the best you got?" He mocked as he plopped into the chair across the desk from her.

"Shut up, or I'll send you to Budapest, bird brain." She growled and leveled a killer glare at him.

"Ooo, that's better anyway," Clint said.

"So Barney loves you?" He continued.

Maria thought he probably felt he knew her well enough to think she wouldn't at least maim him for talking about this.

"No, Barney loves that Robin Scherbatsky persona I was several years ago." Maria informed him and fought to hide her feelings over that fact.

"I don't know." Clint went on, acting oblivious. "I was talking with Tony and Sam and they seem pretty convinced."

"Stay out of this, Hawkeye, or Budapest won't be your worst memory," she snapped.

"That serious, huh?" he asked as he rose from the chair. "I think I should meet this guy. Never known anyone who could ruffle your feathers like this."

"Keep talking and you won't have any feathers," she replied.

Barton gave her a look of mock fear as he ducked out her door.

* * *

Barney sat at his usual table at Legendary. Despite yesterday's success, he felt down. He had hoped Maria might at least call, if for no other reason than to tell him to shove off. He would demand they meet together so she could say it to his face. Then he could talk to her; mainly, he could see her. He just thought if he could get her alone that somehow his words and actions would convince her to at least try to make it work.

His morbid thoughts were interrupted by a strange red-headed woman sitting herself down in the seat across from him. He recognized her in a moment and his blood ran cold. This was the infamous Black Widow. Barney had looked her up after Marshall had mentioned her, he'd wondered how much of a threat she might really be. She was certainly dangerous, and now she was sitting at a table with him. She didn't look particularly amiable, either.

"So, you're Barney." She stated without introducing herself.

He swallowed carefully and nodded, not trusting his voice. The Widow looked him up and down, measuring him. He knew he was no threat to her but she probably knew at least five ways to kill him with her paper napkin under her drink.

"What's the deal with you and Maria?" she asked.

Barney opened his mouth to say something, but no words would come out.

"I know the official story," the assassin said. "She was on an assignment, she met you, and she married you."

Barney nodded.

"That just doesn't sound like the Maria I knew and loved," she smiled a wicked smile.

"Loved?" Barney choked out.

"So, I can definitely see why you'd be interested," she continued. "I mean she is beautiful, and a damned good kisser."

Barney was fairly certain he stopped breathing for several minutes at that point in the conversation.

"But why are you pursuing her? You just don't seem like her type," she finished.

Barney finally found his voice.

"Well, I've never killed anyone." He choked on his words as the Black Widow raised an eyebrow at him.

"Not that it's necessarily a bad thing that you have," he added quickly.

She gave him an amused smile and Barney realized she was playing with him.

"Relax," she told him. "I think I have an idea that will help. I know her pretty well, and she has a certain weak spot."

Barney waved the waitress over and ordered some more drinks for the two of them as Natasha Romanov laid out her plan.


	5. Maria and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maria and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. At the end of which she might do something she wouldn't regret to Natasha and become besties with Darcy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, it's really another chapter. I'll give you a moment to recover from the shock.
> 
> OK, this is the second to last chapter. I can't promise when the next one will be up because of personal things that have been happening. Comedy is difficult enough, though maybe if I start channeling the angst into my usual twisted sense of humor...;)
> 
> A million thanks to my laugh-beta, StillWaters. All grammatical errors, and there are a ton, are mine.

Maria cracked an eye open to glance at the time on her phone on the nightstand. 3 AM. She sighed and considered her next move: Lay in bed and try to force herself back to sleep or get up and...

Presently she felt a warm hand snake around her waist and lips press against her neck. She chuckled as she reached over to turn on the light.

"Too bad about your insomnia," Barney said as he nuzzled his face into her neck.

"Why are you awake?" she asked.

"I've been waiting for you to wake up," he said and his hand started to inch up under her nightshirt.

"You're crazy, Barney," she laughed.

"Only about you, Maria," he said.

"What did you call me?" she asked, fear creeping in.

"Maria," he said again. "That is your name, right? Maria Hill."

"How did you know?" She asked, trying to figure out how her cover was blown and what she was going to do about it.

"Everyone knows, now," he said.

"But, then, why are you still here?" she asked.

"What kind of question is that?" Barney smiled. "Why would I leave because you have a different name?"

"It's more than another name," she pushed him away and climbed out of the bed. "I lied to you about everything."

Barney looked at her as if she was saying the stupidest thing he'd ever heard.

"Did you lie to me when you told me you loved me?"

Emotion welled up and she felt the tears threaten.

"No," she said quietly as she shook her head.

"Then none of the rest matters to me," he told her.

"But I'm not Robin at all," she challenged. "You fell in love with a lie."

But Barney only shook his head at her.

"Maria," he said, but his voice sounded different, and decidedly feminine.

"Maria," he said in that same feminine voice.

"Barney, what’s wrong with your voice?" she asked. "You sound like Pepper."

He laughed and Maria opened her eyes to find Pepper standing over her.

"Dreaming of Barney, huh?" Pepper had a knowing look on her face that Maria really would have liked to wipe off, but that wasn't how things were done in the private sector. And Pepper was too nice a person to hurt.

"What are you doing here so late?" Maria asked.

"Late?" Pepper repeated. "It's eight in the morning."

Maria sat up and looked around her office. She'd fallen asleep while she'd been working and she was lying on the sofa. At least Patrice wasn't due in until nine. She would have hated the annoying woman to have found her asleep in the office. There was no telling what Maria would have to endure from her if she had.

"I assume you have a change of clothes," Pepper said.

Maria nodded and Pepper pulled a key card from her pocket.

"There's an unoccupied apartment across from Natasha’s," the CEO informed Maria. "Why don't you go ahead and use the shower there. The towels and soap are stocked. And there's a hairdryer. "

Maria thanked her and walked over to the office closet to pull out her other suit.

When she arrived on the level Pepper to which had directed her she saw that Natasha’s door was open and she heard the red head's voice drifting into the hall. It sounded suspiciously giggly, if Maria had to describe it. Natasha did not giggle.

"Oh, that sounds very nice," Maria heard Natasha say and realized the woman was on the phone. "I think I'd like to try that with you."

Maria shook her head. From the sultry sound of Natasha's voice, Maria knew the spider was drawing another victim into her web. Maria herself had once fell prey to that, but it was difficult to be in a relationship with someone who truly believed that love was for children.

Maria shook those old memories from her head and walked down the hall past Romanoff's open door. She pulled the key card out and was about to swipe it at the door when Natasha's words froze her where she stood.

"Oh, Barney, I bet you're just a devil in bed."

Maria suddenly found it difficult to breathe. How many Barney’s could a person her age know in one lifetime? It wasn't as if it was a common name these days. Still, she tried hard not to overreact. Barney was actively pursuing her, not Natasha. The two probably didn't even know each other.

Maria slid the key card and entered the apartment. Her ears growing hot as thoughts of Barney and Natasha together flashed through her mind. She tried to remind herself again how ridiculous a notion that was, but the images wouldn’t leave.

She undressed and stepped under the hot stream of water in the shower and willed her un-Maria like rage to be quelled. She shouldn’t be surprised if Natasha had met Barney, he’d been around enough. And everyone knew now. It would be like Natasha to try an ex-lover’s ex-lover on for size, she thought bitterly.

She stepped out of the shower and toweled off. As she began to dry her hair she thought through the situation. Barney had already played her once, with Sam’s help. That’s all this was, she assured herself. There was still a giant red heart blocking her view of Manhattan from her office. He still wanted her. She ignored the odd sense of comfort acknowledging Barney's intentions gave her.

By the time she was dressed and past Natasha’s now closed apartment door, Maria was far more relaxed. She stepped out of the elevator onto her floor and walked toward Patrice and her annoying morning smile. Seriously, how could anyone be that chipper all the time?

“Good morning, Maria,” she said. “Here are your messages.”

Maria took them, her anticipation of Barney’s latest attempts to contact her hidden by her well-practiced mask, then walked into her office to close the door. Patrice had already opened the blinds and Maria smiled at the sunshine until she remembered there shouldn’t be any sunshine streaming through the red paint, but the red paint was no longer there.

Her throat tightened and she swallowed down the dread that rushed over her. It was unreasonable to have expected Tony to leave the paint on the window forever. Even if he was a bit nuts himself, this was still a place of business.

She sat down and set the messages aside, pretending it wasn’t important to her to find out how often Barney had called and left messages the previous night. But after only a few minutes she picked them back up again.

The smile she’d had on her face slowly disappeared as she saw there were no messages from him at all. But there was one message from Natasha. It was in an old SHIELD code but Maria recognized the question immediately. “Barney: Leather or lace?”

Maria immediately got the implication and her jaw clenched. She stared at the message for another minute before she began to methodically tear it into microscopic pieces.

This could not be happening. She reasoned that it was what she’d thought earlier, he was only playing her. He was trying to make her jealous, just as he’d done with Patrice all those years ago. Maria told herself she wouldn’t let that happen, but she was starting to wonder just how in control that side of herself was.

The part that she’d cultivated to become Robin, that part of herself she’d always kept locked away, the part that Barney fell in love with, was slowly making its way back to the surface and it terrified Maria. She couldn’t allow that to happen. Not now, not with the need to hunt down HYDRA and help Steve with his search for Barnes. She had too much on her plate, too many people depending on her.

It took several minutes, but Maria regained control. She had to be responsible. She had to take care of these things. She couldn’t allow herself the luxury of those old feelings.  
And maybe Barney had finally realized he deserved someone who could be truthful with him, just as they’d promised all those years ago. He’d learn soon enough that Natasha wasn’t that person.

Maria groaned audibly as her earlier thoughts of Barney with Natasha returned. She had to stop thinking about this entirely. She was a professional, and she needed to act like one.

* * *

Pepper was nervous. This sort of thing just wasn't something she was comfortable with. She liked Maria and what Natasha, Barney and Tony had planned sounded to Pepper that it would do more harm than good. But, she also knew how stubborn Maria could be and maybe Barney and Natasha were right, maybe this really was the only way to get through to her. Still, Pepper would rather they did this part of their "play" somewhere besides her dinner party.

"Earth to Pepper." Tony's voice broke into her thoughts.

"I'm sorry, Tony," she replied. "I just have a lot on my mind. What were you saying?"

"Nothing important,” he assured her. "But now that you mentioned Barney and Maria..."

"I didn't mention Barney or Maria,” she interrupted.

"Really? I could have sworn I heard you thinking about them."

She gave him an annoyed look.

"Fine, I was thinking about them," she said.

"Of course you were," he said. "We all are. They're just ridiculously adorable."

"You probably shouldn't share that with Maria," Pepper told him.

"I'm not afraid of Hill," he said. "Not with you here to protect me."

He gave her one of his smiles he thought was endearing.

"Who says I'll protect you?" Pepper said.

Pepper was saved from Tony's reply by her phone ringing, and returned to her work.

Several hours later, she was on pins and needles as she waited for the rest of her guests. Sam and Bruce were already there and, of course, Tony. He seemed on pins and needles himself but for an entirely different reason, she was sure. Tony loved a good drama and Pepper figured what was about to happen was as big a drama they'd had for quite some time.

When Natasha arrived with Barney, Pepper gave them both a strained smile.

"Where's Clint?" she asked Natasha.

"He's in charge of making sure Maria actually shows," the assassin told her then walked over to the bar where Tony eagerly awaited.

Pepper was just short of ringing her hands as Barney moved in close to Natasha so he'd be in position when Maria and Clint arrived. She had planned to look anywhere but at the two of them, but she saw Barney glancing so often at the elevator with such longing in his eyes that Pepper felt herself finally begin to relax and hope for the best.

Whether it was best or not was difficult for Pepper to gauge. She did notice that when the doors slid open to reveal Clint and Maria, the latter immediately masked her face. She had noticed Natasha and Barney right away. Maria didn't surprise Pepper by acting out or saying anything but pleasantries to everyone. If Pepper could be any more impressed with the woman, she certainly was now.

When they sat for dinner, Tony went straight for Maria's jugular, so to speak.

"So, how'd this all come about?" He addressed the question to Natasha. But as the woman answered, Pepper watched Maria for any sign this situation might be affecting her.

As Natasha and Barney gave their version of their meeting, Maria showed no signs of the slightest interest. Others joined in the conversation or started their own, but Maria remained silent and focused on her soup.

The evening wore on and Pepper noticed that Maria, who before tonight had started warming up to the others, was becoming more withdrawn. Pepper tried to keep an eye on her, but it wasn’t until she noticed a change in Barney’s and Natasha’s behavior that she became aware that Maria had quietly left the party with no word.

* * *

By the end of dinner, Maria had about all she could take of Natasha pawing Barney. She waited until she was certain Pepper, who’d been watching her all night, wasn’t paying her any attention before she slipped out unnoticed, grabbing a bottle of wine off the bar as she left.

Now, she sat under her desk taking an occasional swig of the wine as she tried not to cry. Cry over what, was the question. She wasn't sure if it was more upsetting to her that Barney seemed so smitten by Natasha or because her first reaction to the situation was so like Robin, and so unlike Maria. Or maybe she was upset that she was, more and more, thinking of herself as two different people, both in the third person.

She took another long swig of the wine to numb the pain the chaos was creating in her mind. She hadn't been under the desk but thirty minutes when she heard the door to her office open. She tensed, but didn't react. No one could get onto this floor without JARVIS, though why he'd failed to notify her, Maria wasn't sure.

"Hill?" Maria heard a woman's voice and tried not to groan audibly. Of all the people she didn't want to find her like this.

Darcy's face was suddenly before her, looking at her upside down, her hair hanging down and brushing the floor.

"Wondered where you got to," Darcy said.

Maria only stared back, unsure which would be less graceful, remaining under the desk or stumbling out and onto her feet.

Darcy sat down in Maria's chair and began to swivel back and forth. The movement made Maria slightly dizzy and more than a little nauseas.

"What do you want?" she asked and closed her eyes hoping to settle her stomach.

"That's too complicated a question," the girl answered. "I want a lot of things. Money, fame, the cell phone number of Grant Gustin."

"Who?" Maria asked.

"Grant Gustin," Darcy repeated. "You know, The Flash."

Maria stared up at her and tried to process the words.

"You want the number of a guy who flashes people?" she asked, attempting to clarify.

Darcy threw her head back and laughed loudly.

"You're a riot, Hill," she said.

Maria definitely didn't get the joke.

"Now if you'd ask me Whom I want."

Darcy paused and furrowed her brow.

"It is whom, right?"

Maria nodded numbly, unable to venture a guess as to what they were even talking about any more, and then took another long draught from the bottle.

"Sam Wilson," Darcy said dreamily.

"What about him?" Maria asked.

"That's who I want," Darcy replied, her eyes gazing into the distance and Maria thought the sheer sentimentality of the moment might make her vomit more quickly than Darcy's incessant back and forth movement in the chair.

"Now that's a man," she said. "What I wouldn't give to find out what he's got under the hood."

Darcy's eyes grew dark and she let out a growl.

Maria squinted up at her now in confusion.

"Why are you telling me this?" she asked finally.

"You asked," Darcy replied.

"I did?"

Maria was fairly certain she'd never asked anyone about their love interest, ever.

"That and I've been thinking," Darcy continued.

Maria groaned and wondered if it was too late to late to extricate herself from her office.

"I mean, there's Natasha, surrounded by all the hot guys," Darcy said.

"Clint 'I've got guns the size of rocket launchers' Barton, Captain 'I don't care how little his ass is it's still hot' America, Sam 'With one look I can make you wet' Wilson, and who does she do?"

Maria wondered if Darcy wanted an answer or if this was a rhetorical question.

"Some skinny accountant from, where's Barney from?"

Darcy looked down at Maria again but Maria couldn't answer, she was still reeling from Darcy's insulting Barney. Maria held the younger woman's gaze for a moment before slowly crawling out of her hole. When she stood she stared down at Darcy. Finally, the woman had stopped moving in the chair.

“I’ll have you know that Barney is…”

Maria stopped. She couldn’t say it. If she said it she was certain she would irrevocably revert to her Robin persona and probably end up locked up in some mental institution.

Darcy was apparently still waiting to learn exactly what Maria thought Barney was and Maria almost turned and left, but then Darcy started offering prompts.

“A taxidermist?”

Maria stared in surprise.

“A chemistry teacher?”

“What?”

“You were going to tell me what Barney really is,” Darcy said. “Is he not an accountant? Because he sure looks like one.”

Maria sputtered as she fumbled for a reply. Finally she simply couldn’t stop herself.

“Barney is awesome,” she said. Then she glared down at Darcy and dared the woman to contradict her.

Darcy raised her eyebrows.

“Awesome?” Darcy giggled. “Now there’s a word I never expected from you Hill.”

Maria didn’t change her glare, though internally she felt herself falter.

“You really liked him, huh?” Darcy said.

Maria opened her mouth but no sound came forth. She wasn’t sure how to respond.

“Is that why you married him?” Darcy asked.

Maria felt her whole body begin to sag and she leaned back onto her desk, her head falling forward. This had to be one of the worst days of her life.

* * *

An hour later Pepper found the two women on the couch in Maria’s office, sharing the bottle of wine.

“Hey, Pep,” Darcy smiled up at her. “Maria was telling me how awesome Barney is.”

Pepper raised her eyebrows, then widened her eyes as Maria openly blushed.

“Maria?”

Maria looked up at her through alcohol glazed eyes. Then she surprised Pepper even more.

“Yeah, he’s pretty awesome,” Maria said, a dreamy smile on her face.

Pepper was unsure how to proceed. She didn’t want the woman completely stripped of her dignity, which would certainly happen if she remained in the tower in this state.

“Let me get Happy to take you home,” Pepper suggested.

Maria only nodded. Pepper spoke into the air to ask JARVIS to have Happy bring around the car, then she and Darcy helped Maria up and walked with her to the elevator. Once there, Maria began to tell them of a dinner at a museum where Maria acted very un-Maria-like with Barney. The odd thing to Pepper was that her friend was laughing and smiling about the whole thing, as if it had been one of the best moments in her life.

By the time the lift reached the ground floor, Happy was waiting with the car and they managed to get Maria inside. Darcy went with them to help Happy get Maria into her apartment, and Pepper watched them drive off. She had to admit that in her years with Tony she’d seem some odd things, but nothing had surprised her quite as much as the way Barney Stinson so deeply affected Maria Hill.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: OK, there it is. I hope you enjoyed it. :) Now, for the rules of the game...
> 
> I'm looking for insane things Barney can do to win back Robin/Maria. They can be original ideas, or they can be spin-offs of episodes. If you can reference the episode so I can review it, it would be great. I don't remember every jot and tittle from the show. Also, I do not have access to season 9, (for some reason I wasn't in the mood to buy the DVD's after the series finale) but if you have a YouTube video of what you want me to see, you can post it at my dreamwidth (I'm not sure if you can post links here at AO3). captainhillshipper dot dreamwidth dot com
> 
> PS I had planned to include scenes with all of the Avengers at some point in this story, but Steve popped over into my head to see what I was laughing so hard about, assuming I had written something pithy about himself and the love of his life. When I told him my plans, he gave me a hard stare. I tried to explain it was only a joke story, but he was rather nonplussed and asked if he could be left out of the story as he is rather busy looking for Bucky these days, but I was welcome to borrow Sam since he knew Sam would look out for Maria. So, Captain America will probably not be making an appearance. :D
> 
> PPS My kids think I'm sort of crazy for having conversations with my characters in my head. I told them it is fine until I start having the conversations aloud. :)
> 
> PPPS I have conversations aloud when I am writing in my room. ;)


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